Sunday, October 25, 2009
So, it's been another difficult fall but I'm making it through somehow. I make plans and prepare to execute the plans but when it comes time for the plans to take action, what do you think happens? Well, nothing! Absolutely nothing and it's driving me fucking crazy! I know it doesn't make sense to not learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of others but, damn, what is the deal? Is this still a grieving from a failed relationship? Is this a complete lack of confidence, in myself, in my abilities, or just being self conscious about the shape I'm in or lack there of? Could it be the vortex of dark energy that surrounds me here in Laramie and the demon that is just waiting for an opportunity to take over? Is it fear of the future? Is it depression or seasonal affective disorder? I could keep going and going on all the possibilities that could be the cause of what is happening to me but I'm tired of it. Just plain fucking tired of it. Tired of staying up all night afraid of what is waiting for me in the dark and sleeping all day, forgetting to do my work. I want to change to get into my ideal shape. To get to the place that I see "happy Chuck" in my head. The real question, I suppose, is how do I do that? Some might say, "Just buck up." others might say, "Take it one step at a time." but I'm not sure what will work anymore. Where did all that motivation go when I was younger and had no problem working out for 2 hours after basketball practice? Where did that driven individual go who would get my work done on time all the time? I'll tell you where they went. They are gone. I'm not the same person anymore. I think it's time to accept that fact. That I'm not that person and I need to try to stop finding the "old" motivation and find "today's" motivation. What that is, I'm not sure. For now I'll keep "getting by" and know that it'll come.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
I suppose everyone goes through these times in their lives but I just happen to be in one at this very moment. That might not be the case by the time I'm done writing this and I hope I'm not, but do you ever wish you could read minds? I feel like right now it would be very useful. There are people that are in our lives that every once in awhile we question their motives for being your "friend" or whatever you might label them. The ability to read minds would let me see what they are really thinking but the down side to this is what they are really thinking may not be something I want to know. Plus people's minds and perceptions can change at the speed of light and as confusing as it is to be inside my own head, I can't imagine how confusing it would be to be inside someone else head. I suppose that its a good thing we humans haven't developed this trait, yet. :) I suppose the best thing to do is to be the person you want to be and the only person's perception of you that really matters is your own. If doing something for someone makes you feel good, do it, even if that might be all you are to them. Hopefully, that isn't the case. Listen to your gut, don't let your brain run everything. Thinking too much can only lead to problems and insecurities. Time to listen to my instincts again and turn this think tank off.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
I have never been a person that was in love with a writer and their writing style. Some people love Shakespeare, some love Hemmingway, I love her. The way she writes, the words she uses absorb me into the screen and there is nothing I can do but keep reading. I feel every word and how she must have felt while writing them. My heart breaks, my eyes water, and I want nothing more but to save her from what causes her to write. At first I thought a lot of the writings were about sadness but I realized that they are about love and life and the struggle to make both what they should be. I never understood before but I understand now. There is nothing more fascinating than to find that person who can express the way you wish you could.
Star Trek!!! I never was one of those crazy Trekkies but I must say that this reincarnation of the quite "ancient" series has me understanding why people got so pumped for the series. I was seriously impressed with the new movie. So much so that I am already excited for sequels. The movie was intense but light with plenty of laughs and is exactly what I would expect a Star Trek movie to be. The story is strong and has made changes so that the original series and movies existed in their own time and without spoiling too much, the new movie changes the future so the series can take a new path and these "new" characters can go their own direction without being tied down to the older plot and story lines. Thank you JJ Abrams for rejuvenating this frachise. Go see it if you haven't already!
So, I went to finish getting my stuff out of my ex's place tonight and my oh my was it unpleasant. I have been nothing but accommodating and patient about getting the rest of my stuff which included the ring but she acted as if I was intruding. What is it about the past that makes people hold on so tightly, unable to move on and so bitter? Why can't people be happy with where they are and just accept the past as that, the PAST? Well, if people choose to be unhappy that is their business and although I would prefer them to happy it is ultimately up to them. I would like to play my part in their happiness, whatever that might be. Well, I have my stuff and another unpleasant memory but this experience itself is the past and I will not let it corrupt my happiness and my soul.