Sunday, October 25, 2009
So, it's been another difficult fall but I'm making it through somehow. I make plans and prepare to execute the plans but when it comes time for the plans to take action, what do you think happens? Well, nothing! Absolutely nothing and it's driving me fucking crazy! I know it doesn't make sense to not learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of others but, damn, what is the deal? Is this still a grieving from a failed relationship? Is this a complete lack of confidence, in myself, in my abilities, or just being self conscious about the shape I'm in or lack there of? Could it be the vortex of dark energy that surrounds me here in Laramie and the demon that is just waiting for an opportunity to take over? Is it fear of the future? Is it depression or seasonal affective disorder? I could keep going and going on all the possibilities that could be the cause of what is happening to me but I'm tired of it. Just plain fucking tired of it. Tired of staying up all night afraid of what is waiting for me in the dark and sleeping all day, forgetting to do my work. I want to change to get into my ideal shape. To get to the place that I see "happy Chuck" in my head. The real question, I suppose, is how do I do that? Some might say, "Just buck up." others might say, "Take it one step at a time." but I'm not sure what will work anymore. Where did all that motivation go when I was younger and had no problem working out for 2 hours after basketball practice? Where did that driven individual go who would get my work done on time all the time? I'll tell you where they went. They are gone. I'm not the same person anymore. I think it's time to accept that fact. That I'm not that person and I need to try to stop finding the "old" motivation and find "today's" motivation. What that is, I'm not sure. For now I'll keep "getting by" and know that it'll come.